Coming Soon to a Trail Near You

August 26. 5 kilometer trail race. Ran 3 miles today. Felt good.

I'm back.

Update

Sorry. My motivation has hit an all-time low and I'm not even really certain if I want to be a competitive runner any more. I know for sure that I want to run forever, because it feels good and it makes things a lot easier. But recently, I've shown myself that I can't keep focus on it. And there is no point in being completely focused on competition if I don't have the brain power to back it up. It will only make me frustrated (as it has in the past.)

I know for certain that this winter I am not going to run solely straightly through. I am going to be training for a Korteloppet, a 26 kilometer nordic ski race. I want to be happy, and recently I was frightened by the fact that I was really happy simply not running. I had more time for other things that I love, like writing. But the act of running itself is not what I am afraid of doing. It is the accompanying mental addiction to running that detracts from every other area of my life that I am afraid of. When I spend all of my free time simply thinking about how I am going to win a race or be a great marathoner, at the detriment of every other interest of mine, I need to pause and reflect.

And I have reflected in the best possible way this past week and a half. I have lived the life that I would have if I were no obsessed with and addicted to running. I have written more this week than I have written the entire rest of the year combined. And it feels so good, deep inside. Because it is something that I have been afraid of losing, always wondering if it is still there. And it is, which is a relief. And my imagination has grown back to where it once was! This is the one thing that makes my heart leap with joy. I am able to escape to the worlds in my mind like I was once--before I began competitively running.

But, there is part of me that will simply never stop being a competitor. Today I went to watch a triathlon, and I was simply angry that I was not doing what these men were doing... devoting myself to becoming fast. But, what was that again? Why do I want to become fast? I have always told myself (and still believe) that I ran to push the limits and become the best I could be. I can do that in other areas, though. Why did I choose running? Now I wonder why I don't apply my extreme focus into something that I love equally, if not more than running: writing. I know I have something to say, and I know I know how to say it. And I want to say it. And what about school? I could have been valedictorian of my graduating class. And that is something I would love just as much as being regional 2 mile champion. Probably more. And something I am genetically superior in as well.

Which brings me to another issue of mine. Talent. I HAVE NO TALENT FOR RUNNING. And yet I still go all out at it, thinking that my hard work will somehow destroy the talent of those who constantly beat be while doing so much less work than me. It's exhausting. So downed exhausting. And I don't know the answer, though I intend to think about it a lot more.

*sigh*

Ended up not running on Monday night, which I regret, but I guess it's not too bad to take a break here and there. Then, I ran an easy 8 miles last night at 8:28 pace. My legs were all funky. I don't know if it is from the new shoes, the days off, or both, but I hope it's temporary. Motivation still ebbing and flowing, feeling kind of crappy right now...

Cross Country Goals

I want to avoid seeing Cross Country as a "secondary" season, because I love cross country training, but I also need to realize my real race is in June. Times are very secondary, especially where I live since 90% of races are on trails, and not a single one on a golf course. So, my 3 main goals are as follows, with the time goal the least important:

1. 2nd Man on Team
2. Medal at Finals (top 15.)
3. 18:20 (based on my recent 10 mile performance, and my mile time on the track, the best I can reasonably hope for is just under 18, but considering courses and weather and unknown occurances, 18:20 is what I will shoot for.)

Finally set in stone!

Update!

Been away for a few days, struggling with my typical "late off-season blues." Motivation has been really low the past few days, and I even questioned whether I am meant to be a runner, which is scary, because I know it's what I love. Here's what's new:

Thursday: This is when it began to really hit. I took an extremely easy 7 miler on trails, which wasn't all that bad physically, but left me completely drained.

Friday: A 3 mile really, really easy jog. Just trying to recover from whatever mental issue is bringing me down.
Saturday: Ran a 10 mile road race (1:07:39), which was a mixed bag. My time was pretty slow, BUT there were two bonuses. First, it was the best race I've had since my final track meet, which is a good sign. Plus, I managed to beat one (perhaps two...) of my main local competitors in the final 200 meters of the race, which is an EXCELLENT sign, because it shows that I at least have matched his endurance, and only need to bring my speed up to par. But, my time indicates only a 19:20 to 19:40 5k equivalence time, which is right around a PR, but I would hope to be in much better shape. Oh well, I'll let the season come to me.

Sunday: Motivation hit the lowest of lows, and I finally realized I needed to take an intentional day off (my first since March.) So I did, and I hung out with friends and biked around for a few hours, which felt great.

Now: Haven't yet run today, but I am going to. I'm going camping with a couple friends tonight, but I WILL make time for my run no matter what. Maybe 7-8 miles, easy. I'm gonna try to hit 50 this week, but anything over 45 will be acceptable. Next week, the big six-oh, hopefully.

Rough Day

My recent lack of sleep has caught up with me. I was unable (unwilling) to complete my run yesterday, and took it in for 4 1/2 miles. I think my pacing was also too ambitious.

Also, my calves are still really sore. I am going to wait until Friday to do another run in my waffles.

Good day

3:45 p.m.- 4 mile run in XC waffles. Felt AWESOME! My calves are sore, but it is a good sore, and I felt better on my feet than I have in ages.

9:15 p.m.- 6 miles moderate, in trainers, with dad. Still felt quite good. We talked about the upcoming cross country season, it was cool.

Finally a (somewhat) cool night!

Ran a 7 mile progression run. Legs felt a little funky, and a bit off. (Hamstring and calves twinging slightly.) Have decided I cannot handle the before work 6 a.m. runs unless I start getting to bed a lot earlier. They just leave me dead.