Saturday, August 06, 2005

Update

Sorry. My motivation has hit an all-time low and I'm not even really certain if I want to be a competitive runner any more. I know for sure that I want to run forever, because it feels good and it makes things a lot easier. But recently, I've shown myself that I can't keep focus on it. And there is no point in being completely focused on competition if I don't have the brain power to back it up. It will only make me frustrated (as it has in the past.)

I know for certain that this winter I am not going to run solely straightly through. I am going to be training for a Korteloppet, a 26 kilometer nordic ski race. I want to be happy, and recently I was frightened by the fact that I was really happy simply not running. I had more time for other things that I love, like writing. But the act of running itself is not what I am afraid of doing. It is the accompanying mental addiction to running that detracts from every other area of my life that I am afraid of. When I spend all of my free time simply thinking about how I am going to win a race or be a great marathoner, at the detriment of every other interest of mine, I need to pause and reflect.

And I have reflected in the best possible way this past week and a half. I have lived the life that I would have if I were no obsessed with and addicted to running. I have written more this week than I have written the entire rest of the year combined. And it feels so good, deep inside. Because it is something that I have been afraid of losing, always wondering if it is still there. And it is, which is a relief. And my imagination has grown back to where it once was! This is the one thing that makes my heart leap with joy. I am able to escape to the worlds in my mind like I was once--before I began competitively running.

But, there is part of me that will simply never stop being a competitor. Today I went to watch a triathlon, and I was simply angry that I was not doing what these men were doing... devoting myself to becoming fast. But, what was that again? Why do I want to become fast? I have always told myself (and still believe) that I ran to push the limits and become the best I could be. I can do that in other areas, though. Why did I choose running? Now I wonder why I don't apply my extreme focus into something that I love equally, if not more than running: writing. I know I have something to say, and I know I know how to say it. And I want to say it. And what about school? I could have been valedictorian of my graduating class. And that is something I would love just as much as being regional 2 mile champion. Probably more. And something I am genetically superior in as well.

Which brings me to another issue of mine. Talent. I HAVE NO TALENT FOR RUNNING. And yet I still go all out at it, thinking that my hard work will somehow destroy the talent of those who constantly beat be while doing so much less work than me. It's exhausting. So downed exhausting. And I don't know the answer, though I intend to think about it a lot more.